


Worthless

by SeeMaree



Series: The Lesser Victor [1]
Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, POV Peeta Mellark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-18 21:40:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 13,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2363030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeMaree/pseuds/SeeMaree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peeta has always been told he is worthless.  Is it any surprise that he believes it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Worthless One

Peeta Mellark always knew he was worthless.

His earliest memory was of pain and his mother's voice 'worthless, you're worthless'.

His father helplessly telling him that if he could just try harder to be a good boy then she wouldn't hurt him so much.

He tried. He really did. But he always messed up somehow. That was another reason he knew he was worthless.

He quickly realised that no one wanted to see a sad face, it led to more pain. So he learned to smile, to charm, to lie. He was good at it. He could make people like him. He made friends with the neighbour children. He was careful to never let them see the real Peeta, because he knew they wouldn't like him any more if they saw the truth. Nobody wants a worthless friend after all.

He was helpful and kind and when Delly's mother told him that she wished her daughter was more like him he hid and cried. He truly liked Delly and he hoped she would never ever be anything like him.

Some small part of his spirit somehow remained unbroken, and it manifested itself in his love of beauty. True, there was not a lot of beauty to be found in District 12, but it was there if you looked for it. The coal dust in the air actually made the sunsets more spectacular, and the fragile beauty of a stubborn flower fighting to grow for just a few days before it was inevitably trampled into the black mud somehow made him feel, well, something good for once.

It was no surprise then when he was was fascinated by the pretty girl that his father pointed out to him on the first day of school. She looked so different from the homogenous children his life had contained up to this point that he wanted to touch her hair and skin just to see if they were real. As the day went by he saw that she was not unique. In fact most of his classmates had dark skin and hair. But she still stood out to him as beautiful, and he liked looking at beautiful things.

He later said he fell for her the first time he heard her sing. And it was true that he was enchanted by the beauty of her voice. But the moment when he really, truly and irredeemably belonged to Katniss Everdeen happened later.

His was good at picking up social cues, so he quickly saw that it was somehow not okay for children who looked like him to be friends with children who looked like her. As much as he wanted to play with the pretty girl with the magical voice he wanted even more to avoid confrontation. So he obediently stuck with his own kind on the playground. 

Somehow she didn't get it. Or perhaps she just didn't care. Perhaps she thought with her yellow haired mother the rules didn't apply to her. For what ever reason, she chose to befriend the shy sweet Madge. Not just a merchant girl. They mayor's daughter. The girl seemed as oblivious as Katniss. Come to think of it Peeta had never seen her playing in the street with the other children. So perhaps she was just happy to have a friend, any friend at all.

The tension this caused came to a head on the playground when some older kids surrounded the two little girls and pushed them down. Katniss went down first.

'Learn your place seam brat.'

Her face looked so shocked. Had no one ever treated her like that before? The idea was astonishing. Her face soon turned to anger when her friend followed her down into the dirt. Apparently they were equally guilty and should both be punished.

Instead of laying in the dirt and crying Katniss leapt to her feet and advanced on the boy with such fierceness that the bully actually took a step back.

'You are a mean boy. I won't let you hurt my friend!' The shout carried across the now silent playground, and finally caught the attention of the teacher, who quickly punished the boys who had the audacity to harm the mayor's daughter. In the minds of most of the children this meant that Katniss Everdeen was indeed above the rules. No one bothered the odd seam merchant friendship again, no one wanted to risk being friends with them either, but they didn't seem to mind.

It meant something entirely different to Peeta. He now saw what it was that made this girl so captivating. It wasn't her pretty face or her beautiful voice. It was that she was worthy. She was brave and strong because she was worth something. She knew that she was special, and somehow just by being her friend you could be too. He wanted to be someone that Katniss would be willing to protect. Because if Katniss Everdeen cared about you then surely you couldn't be completely worthless.


	2. Crush

Peeta wasn't stupid. He knew he wasn't the only kid around with mysterious injuries, but as he got older he noticed that there was something that most of them had in common. They were the oldest. They took care of the younger ones as best they could, protected them. It wasn't like that at his house. His brothers were only 13 months apart in age, they were almost as tightly bonded as twins. Neither of them could even remember a time without the other, or wanted to. He could only assume when he was born, almost 3 years later that he was an unwanted disruption to their lives. They had each other. They were fond enough of their little brother, but he just wasn't part of the team. 

He never even realised that those other kids looked at him with respect. He stood alone and was stronger than he ever gave himself credit for. The littlest one taking the punishment. He wanted some of his family to be happy, so he didn't bother his brothers with his problems. He didn't think he was brave. It was simply how things were. He just endured.

Funnily enough his eye for beauty was what finally made him valued by his family. Initially his tendency to try to recreate every beautiful thing he saw was an annoying habit that wasted paper and charcoal. But as soon as his father put a pastry bag in his hands it was clear he had a gift. Pretty soon he had graduated to frosting. By the time he was nine he was doing most of the day to day icing on cookies and cupcakes. By eleven he had clearly outclassed his father and was handed any special order that came in. His skill enabled the Mellark Bakery to bid on the contract to supply pastries for the trains between 12 and 6 almost doubling his family's annual income. Of course Peeta didn't know that detail. All he knew was that things got better. His father even gave him vauge praise.

His mother's words were oddly more encouraging.

'At last you are finally of use to us.' she would mutter.

He still had to eat stale bread, and got hit occasionally. But not as much. And nothing could truly stop the stream of cruel words that his mother spouted. But he kept his head down and was glad that he was of some use. He could even see that the customers liked what he made and that made him feel a little bit proud. Sometimes, like when he had just finished a tricky design on a special cake, he even felt good about just being Peeta. 

He still liked to watch Katniss. He liked to see her collect her sister to walk home from school. Particularly when one of their parents came to get them. He could tell that her family was not like his. These girls didn't come to school with bruises, well okay Katniss sometimes did, but she wore them like badges of honor and told exciting stories of the fun she had getting them. They weren't his kind of bruises. As much as he loved baking and decorating he still wished he could be an Everdeen, to go home with Katniss and Prim to those parents. To their life. His mother called them trash. He didn't really know what that meant. She made it sound bad but if it meant having parents who smiled, and hugged you then he was pretty sure he wanted to be trash.

It all changed that day the mines exploded. It changed a lot of peoples lives of course, but Peeta selfishly only cared what happened to the Everdeens. And what happened to them was terrible. Katniss and Prim lost their dad. 

What was really shocking was how much his loss hurt Peeta. He had never met or spoken to the man, the most they had shared was when he caught Peeta staring at his daughter and gave him a kind smile. That day had actually been a highlight of his life. He actually felt if he had walked up he might be greeted and smiled at. Maybe even get a pat on the head and encouragement to talk with Katniss. Of course he had dithered and glanced around in an attempt to look casual, and when he had looked back over they were gone. And now the kind smiling man was gone forever and he was never going to hug his girls again, never tell them he was proud of their grades, and he was never ever going to pat Peeta on the head and ask if he was a friend of Katniss'.

When his mother demanded to know why he was showing up for morning shift with a blotchy face and purple circles under his eyes he told her he had bad dreams about going down the mines and having them fall in on him. It was a good skilled lie, with just the right amount of truth, just like he always told. His mother reminded him often enough that he was the third son and the mines were a definite possibility in his future, one that actually did scare him. He knew that appearing weak and frightened was much preferable to the truth, that he actually cared what had happened to the miners. That would lead to a stream of slurs and insults that he just couldn't cope with right then.

Lost in his own peculiar grief he didn't notice what was happening to Katniss. At first all he saw as grief. But gradually he saw more. The fear, the hunger. Why no one else was noticing and doing something to help was perplexing. Of course the fact that dozens of families had lost someone that day, and the seam children often looked hungry and frightened were reason enough for the adults around him to look the other way while she slowly starved. But Peeta didn't understand. To him Katniss had always glowed like the sun, bright and fearless. And now the light was barely flickering.

He dithered about what he could do for her. He got a decent enough portion of stale bread each day. Ironically the death of Mr Everdeen had actually lead to a lack of food for Peeta too. They couldn't afford butcher meat every day, and the squirrels traded for day old bread had made up a good portion of the protein in his diet. But still he got enough that he could spare some to share with Katniss. How to give it to her was another matter. It was not like they were friends and he could casually share his lunch. Just walking up and offering seemed like it would embarrass her. (Plus he would actually have to speak to her.) And, well, in the end Peeta wasn't one for action. He stressed and worried and did nothing at all.

So when he looked out the back window one rainy afternoon and saw Katniss looking in the trash cans at the alley he was actually glad. She was here and he was just going to do it. Give her some food. He still couldn't think of how go about it. He hated how worthless he could be. There was a starving girl, that he cared about so much, just outside the door, and here he was surrounded by bread and he couldn't think of a way to feed her. He was such a pathetic waste. Then his mother of all people helped him figure it out.  
Stuck inside his own head he didn't hear her come in, didn't see her look out and see Katniss. So he jolted when he heard her start screaming. The bread he was sliding out of the oven almost slipped into the fire. Almost. There were still two loaves in there. He knew what would happen to him if he dropped it. But he knew what would happen to the bread too. Before he could even really think it through he was tilting his hand and the bread was falling.

He went to bed that night with an empty stomach, a pounding head, and a smile on his face. He imagined Katniss and her sister going to bed with full bellies and he felt proud. For once in his life he had done something brave. He had done the right thing instead of the safe thing and it felt so good. He wanted to feel like this all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show Peeta gradually gaining some self esteem and getting a bit more outside his head, although he still has his moments of feeling worthless.  
> My goal here is to stay cannon compliant while focusing more on what Peeta is thinking and feeling at the time, so I didn't feel the need to retell the actual moment when he gives Katniss the bread. I will be doing much of the same in future chapters when I come to other major events. I am pretty sure you all read the books or saw the movies and know what happens. :)  
> Any comments and observations are very welcome.


	3. Wrestling

Peeta was surprised when he was recruited hard for wrestling as soon as he hit 9th grade. He shouldn't have been, after all his brothers were both on the team, and they had taught him some moves, if only to have a handy sparing partner around. And he did have that same Mellark build. But what surprised him was what the coach said.

'Hey kid your brothers tell me you're a pretty good wrestler.' What?! His brothers had not only thought about him when he was out of their direct line of sight, but also thought he was good at something?

Apparently the poker face he had perfected from years of living with his mother was still in place. His pleased stunned silence was interpreted by the coach as possible indifference. The man rushed to sell him on wrestling. Invited him to observe a practice that afternoon. He didn't have anywhere else to be so he showed up. He had to admit that he was intrigued with the idea of being able to physically dominate another person. He really liked the idea of being able to subdue someone without really hurting them. 

The girls scattered around watching was certainly another attraction. He knew by now that he really did have talent with his art. But seriously, girls don't show up to watch a guy draw a picture or decorate a cake. Katniss was a athletic girl. Sure she wasn't into school sports but he knew she spent her time in the woods hunting and running and climbing. If he showed he was also capable of something more athletic maybe she would finally really look at him. Instead of what she did now, look away almost guiltily when ever he caught her eye.

The thing that really sold him on the sport in the end wasn't the power, or the skipped PE classes, or even the girls, it was the affection. Of course he never actually admitted that to himself. (Just like he never admitted to himself that it was Katniss standing up to the bully that drew him, not the pretty face and beautiful voice.) Wrestling is by it's very nature is a hands on sport. Specifically a boy's hands on another boy's body. And somehow because of that it broke down the team's homophobic fear of being physically affectionate with other guys. He watched them hug each other, casually sling their arms around each other, one kid even enthusiastically kissed another's cheek. And Peeta wanted that. His entire life he had been starved for physical affection. His mother had no interest in cuddling him, his dad, like always, had followed her lead. The idea of someone touching him just because they liked him was irresistible. 

He walked up to the coach after the practice and told him he was in. He never made the man regret it. He was very focused, and he was very good. 

Katniss never came to watch him practice. Other girls did. One in particular was very persistent. She was older than him, closer to his brothers in age. She smiled at him, admired him, touched his face, his arm. It made him momentarily forget about Katniss when she shyly asked him if he wanted to take a walk with him after practice. He said yes. 

Until he walked out the locker room doors just in time to over hear her talking to her friends. Something about using him to make his brother mad with envy. It was all kind of a blur. All he really processed was that she didn't care about him at all. He was just a thing to get to his brother. A worthy Mellark as apposed to his worthless self. He silently stepped back though the door and the next thing he remembered was his brother's voice telling him he would take care of 'that bitch'.

He trailed behind as his brother sauntered out to talk to the girl. In front of all her friends. Words were said. He didn't really listen. His head was still buzzing. All he really remembered was when his brother smirked and the girl's face dropped. When they both looked over at him his weird reflexes saved him yet again. He had a smirk to match his brother's already pasted on his face.

But the best bit was when his brother came over and hugged him. Not just a quick 'good job' kind of hug, but a longer 'I care about you' hug. 

'I am so sorry.' He whispered in Peeta's ear. 'Please tell me about any girl who hits on you from now on. I don't want you dealing with my garbage.' He pulled back and looked Peeta in the eyes. 'Katniss Everdeen is cool though.' He grinned at the shocked expression on his brother's face. 'What you don't think I see anything? I know you're sweet on her. That girl can't lie to save her life. If she acts interested, she is. And it will have nothing to do with anyone else.'


	4. Reaped

The action at the slag heap always heats up the week before the reaping.It's what you get when you combine teenagers with the threat of imminent death. Peeta has never gone. He's had offers, but has never accepted. After the situation with his brother's ex he had been leery of girls for a while, but they flirt with him. He hears his traits listed as attractive by girls often enough that he realises they mean it, but he can't quite figure out why. He has 'dreamy blue eyes' apparently. Pretty much everyone in the district has blue eyes, ranging from seam grey to his own bright shade so he cannot see anything particularly noteworthy about it. He also has 'strong shoulders'. When every man he knows works at some sort of manual labour that is hardly an extraordinary characteristic either. And charming? They might as well be saying 'good liar'.

Besides he can't stop thinking about what his brother said about Katniss. After catching him out when he mentioned her that first time he occasionally will tease Peeta about her when they work a shift alone. Never in front of the rest of the family which Peeta is eternally grateful for. He had reassured him again that she was not one of his leftovers. That Peeta was only Mellark she ever looked at. Implying that she actually does look at him. At first the idea seems too ridiculous for words. Why would someone that extraordinary waste any time on him? But once the seed of the idea is planted he can't help paying attention. And it's true. Katniss is watching him. He can't figure out why he never noticed, that when he casts her a sideways glance when the pass in the hall more often than not she is looking right back at him. That when the school is assembled to watch a wrestling tournament her eyes are on him at his warmups, not on the match. He can almost believe she likes him, that sometimes she thinks about him the same way he thinks of her. But he knows he's a fool. Katniss Everdeen has never wanted him to touch or kiss her. And she never will.

When a particularly aggressive girl pushes up against him and kisses him he gives in. It feels good, and he is a fully functional sixteen year old boy. His mind drifts to how it must feel to kiss Katniss, to feel her hands sliding into his hair, her breasts pushed against his chest. When she pulls back and his eyes drift open he is startled to see rosy porcelain skin and light blue eyes. Not Katniss. And he feels dirty and cruel. How can he kiss this girl, whose name he cannot even recall at the moment, and think about Katniss? He remembers how much it hurt to viewed as a stand in for his brother. He can't do that to someone else.

So when she smirks and invites him to meet her at the slag heap he says no. He doesn't miss the flash of hurt in her eyes, but she recovers quickly and tells him it's his loss and swings her hips as she goes in search of other prey. He doesn't like hurting people but he comforts himself with the thought that he is certainly hurting her less by rejecting her now rather than later. When he walks away he feels that tingle on the back of his neck that tells him Katniss is watching. He really hopes she didn't see that. Or if she did she gets that he said no. When he risks a glance at her instead of her eyes flitting away like the normally do she holds his gaze for a second.

He stands at the reaping thinking about that. The way Katniss had looked at him. Maybe he will say hi to her after the reaping. A quick 'glad you weren't reaped'. Maybe he could do that. Of course if he is reaped today he will go to his grave a virgin, but at least he won't have hurt some random girl by making her a stand in for the one he really wants. Is that dying with honor? When the name of the person he is protecting still eludes him? It is certainly is more than he can say for most of the other guys he knows, but that isn't saying much. What if she had just been using him as a stand in too? Would that have made it okay? No, it still would have felt wrong. Really good, but wrong. And he 100% certain that if he has any tiny chance with Katniss it would be gone if she had seen him making slag heap plans with what's her name. And she had been watching, so... definitely the right move.

His attention snaps to the stage when he hears the name Everdeen, he looks across to where Katniss is standing, and she is looking to the back. It must be Prim. No, no, no, no. He can see exactly what will happen next. Katniss is brave and protective, she will volunteer for her sister. She will go to the games and she will die. He is not sure whether he's going to vomit or burst into tears. He manages to to do neither because all the fluids in his body turn to ice when his own name is called.

The goodbyes are a blur, lots of kids he doesn't even really know making a fuss at him and his family staring at him in silence, like he was suddenly a different species. As they are leaving his mother remarks that 12 might finally have a victor this year his heart swells. Has he been wrong all these years? Does his mother actually like him enough to pretend he has a chance? But then he realises she is not even speaking to him, and she is pointing to the door across the hall. That's when the ice suddenly melts and his body makes up it's mind. Peeta starts to cry.

He sits next to the girl of his dreams on the train to their death and thinks about what he fool he is. To somehow imagine that just because she held his eye for a moment she might like him. He is a pathetic worthless fool, and he is going to die. He is sixteen years old and his whole stupid worthless existence is coming to it's natural conclusion. He has always wondered why his parents even had him, and now it is all clear. He has always been the expendable, reapable son. He was probably supposed to volunteer if one of his brother's names were called. Ha, well he would of disappointed them there. Too much of a coward. Here he is days from death and he still can't even open his stupid mouth and talk to Katniss Everdeen. And his mother is right. Every terrible thing she ever said about him is true.

He was so foolish to think he was doing something heroic by turning down that girl. He is no hero, he is, like always, a coward. Not like the hero sitting next to him. And then the thought forms. And it is shocking, and terrifying, and amazing. He is going to do one brave thing in his worthless cowardly life. He is going to die anyway, so he is going to make sure he dies helping Katniss Everdeen win. 

Riding high on that astounding idea he turns to her, opens his mouth, and speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to think that even with everything that that was going on it still would have been a major deal to Peeta that he finally actually spoke to Katniss.  
> Let me know what you think.


	5. Capitol

The Capitol is terrible and beautiful and really very painful.

Peeta understood immediately what was unsaid when Haymitch instructed them not to resist the preps and stylists. These people could make things very difficult for tributes if they didn't like them. So he tried to be pleasant as they hurt him. It was easy enough to be friendly. A few compliments and some charming smiles and they were his friends for life. He wondered if the tributes that had appeared naked except for coal dust a few years back had been rude and uncooperative, or just did something that made them really mad. It wouldn't surprise him. 

His stylist Portia was actually pleasant and spoke to him like a person with a brain, instead of one step above a cave man. He was so suprised to meet a Capitolite that was intelligent and considerate he blurted

'You seem like a real person'. He cringed. Great job of getting her to like him.

She only laughed. 'Is that how we seem to you in the districts? Not quite real? I can see that.'

He blushed and she laughed again. She looked to be only in her mid twenties, and not altered to the point her natural beauty was lost. Certainly attractive enough that her careful examination of his naked body was making distinctly uncomfortable. His extra naked body since most of the hair on his body had been painfully removed. But her gaze was clinical not sexual. 

Soon enough she told him to dress and they ate lunch while she explained, to his increasing anxiety, the parade costume he would be wearing. He had been burned too many times to be casual about fire. One slip in the bakery could lead to a serious burn, and unlike a slip with a knife which could be taped up and forgotten fairly quickly, the pain of a burn lingers for days. Added to that the potential for infection, meant burns were an injury he particularly dreaded. The idea of being set on fire intentionally seemed mad. Mad and horrifying.

When he saw Katniss had a similar fear in her eyes it was almost reassuring. But of course it was fine. Better than fine. Katniss was holding his hand and leaning into him for support and for a moment he could almost forget where the were and just enjoy the sensation of Katniss needing him, just a little. The entire parade was a surreal blur made up of the grounding feeling of her hand in his and the crazed roar of the crowd. He didn't remember much until they were pulling their cramped fingers apart and being greeted by the team. He must have done okay as everyone seemed pleased. He suddenly remembered he was supposed to be making people like him so he complimented the stylists and then Katniss. He knew as soon as the words left his mouth that he had made a serious mistep. Something he hadn't even realised was opening toward him snapped shut. When she kissed his cheek he didn't fool himself it was affection.

At dinner he does his best to be likeable and Katniss does her best to ignore him. Well him and everyone else, so he shouldn't let himself feel singled out. But he does.

When she makes some bizarre slip about knowing an Avox (is she drunk?) Peeta reflexively covers for her, just like he would for his brothers. But he's gotta know what is up with that. Plus it's a way back in. While he has no idea how he is going to help her win he's pretty sure her hating him would be counter productive.

The story she tells him on the roof is disturbing. Disturbing that she could have been swept up by a Capitol hovercraft out in the woods and he would never have seen her again. And confusing because he cannot imagine Katniss, the girl whose bravery stole his heart, ever standing by and leaving someone to die like that. He just can't make the image of the girl who stood strong on the stage at the reaping match up with one of a girl who would hide while frantic teenagers are taken by the Capitol. 

He struggles with it but just can't make it work. Katniss is a hero. His hero. If she can be a coward too (and it's clear she thinks she is) it throws everything Peeta knows about her value relative to his own into chaos. He decides to focus on Gale. She says they are not related. He hates the guy. It's not jealously. It's not. But if Peeta had the time, attention, and smiles of Katniss Everdeen he certainly wouldn't be at the slag heap with different girls all the time. Of course Peeta doesn't do that anyway, but if he actually had a chance with her? But Katniss clearly prefers Gale and obviously tolerates his behaviour. Which twists Peeta's brain around even more. He thought Katniss would put an arrow through the eye of guy who even thought of cheating on her.

Peeta goes to breakfast feeling depressed and confused. The conversation about fighting skills doesn't help. Somehow even though all he meant to do was help and compliment her he ends up talking about his mother (always an uplifting subject) and then Katniss is angry and withdrawing again. When she stomps off to her room Peeta is left sitting with Haymitch. He feels the man's eyes boring into him and he looks up to see the calculation on his face. He has the sudden terrifying feeling that this man sees right through him. To his hopeless crush and his general lack of any redeeming qualities.

'You have to stop' Haymitch says suddenly.

Peeta is confused. 'Stop what?'

'The flirting, the compliments, trying to charm her. She doesn't like it, doesn't trust it. You have to be yourself, be honest. It's the only way this will work.'

Wait was this crazy bastard giving him dating advice? During Hunger Games training? His confusion must have been obvious.

'I'm serious about looking like friends. She can't fake it, so you need to stop antagonizing her.' 

'What's the point? What is all this about anyway?' 

Haymitch smirked. 'Just trust me, I have a play that will benefit both of you once you're in the arena.' And with that cryptic remark he wandered off to the bar.

Peeta is feeling a bit queasy as he and Katniss head down to training. There are too many new and confusing pieces of information competing for attention in his head.

Katniss is not always brave. 

Gale might be her boyfriend. Her very cheating boyfriend. Which she tolerates. Maybe the are just good friends.

The only reason anyone has ever liked him is the reason Katniss doesn't like him.

The only time that Katniss actually does seem to like him is when he is scared or confused.

Is that what being himself means? Letting everyone see how scared and hurt he is? He really doesn't know who he is without the veneer of charm to protect him. He doesn't know what to do. They struggle to make conversation without the props he knows he could provide. But somehow it does seem more real and honest. They are a couple of scared kids who will probably be dead within a week. It's not something that can be covered over with polite conversation anyway.

Peeta knows that it is this awkward honesty that makes her parting words before his private session feel like she actually cares what happens to him. In spite of it all. He tries to convey the same feeling as he tells her to shoot straight, and then he goes in to face the gamemakers.


	6. Confession

The interview was terrifying. Not so much the speaking live on television to the entire nation, more the confessing his life long crush to Katniss part.

When Peeta had gotten out of bed that morning, early as usual, Haymitch had told him at breakfast and that it was time for them to be coached separately. He wanted a chance to talk privately about strategy anyway so he went along with the idea, until Haymitch had informed Katniss that Peeta had requested it. He saw the flash of hurt in her eyes. 

When Peeta sat down to his private session he was not in the best mood.

'Why did you say this was my idea? I just spent the last few days trying to be real and honest, just like you told me, and now you undermine it all! She was just starting to trust me.'

'That is exactly why. At least this way you still look honest.' Peeta rolled that around in his mind. He could see the point. If Haymitch didn't specifically say that it was Peeta's idea Katniss would have been sure that they were lying. But he still felt betrayed. Last night when she had been so scared about her private session she had, just for a moment looked to him for comfort, like he could be trusted to care for her. She had even smiled at him. A real smile. He doubted she would ever look at him like that again. 

'Lets get on with it' Haymitch continued. 'I don't know what the history is between the two of you, and I really don't care. All I know is you are making doe eyes at her and she is swinging between looking at you like you're her hero and her worst enemy. Let's figure out how to use this to win.' Great. Just like Peeta had suspected Haymitch had seen right through him and seen the feelings he had managed to hide from everyone but his brother, and then made him look like a traitor to Katniss. He really wanted to hold on to his anger but he needed the help. He was good at manipulating people but he had a feeling it was nothing to what Haymitch could do.

'OK'

'So what is your plan?'

Of course Peeta had none. He shrugged awkwardly. 'I know she can win. I know I don't really have much of a chance. So I just want to help her.'

Haymitch sighed. 'I was afraid of that. I'm not going to just let you die. In some ways you're the better tribute. The sponsors are sure going to like you better. ' But Peeta is determined. Finally he and Haymitch came to a compromise. Peeta will try his best not to die pointlessly in the arena and Haymitch will provide a strategy to bring sponsors for both of them. After it was all said and done Peeta wondered if this was exactly what Haymitch had wanted all along, and he had just been played. Wiley bastard.

And so it had been planned. It was just the follow through that was hell. Of course they brought up Katniss' face on the monitors immediately so he got to see her reaction without even turning his head. The crowd clearly loved it, and Katniss, she looked like she wanted to kill him. He had run through the range of possible responses that she might have, from anger, to pity, to (most unlikely) enthusiasm. Violence had not occurred to him, although it should have.

As Peeta sat on the roof later that night he thought about the life he would have had if he and Katniss hadn't ended up here. Looking back it was clear that even if he had followed through on his plan to talk to her after the reaping (doubtful) she would have turned away from him. Knowing her as was beginning to now he saw that only absolute persistence would get through to her, and would have quit in the certainty of his unworthiness almost immediately. He would have eventually turned to some girl or other, then married her because he felt guilty about leading her on. He wondered if he would have spent the rest of his life neglecting his wife while he day dreaming about his fantasy Katniss, never having known the real person. He wondered if he would have become his father.

Peeta felt like he had started to become different since he left 12. It made him sad. He could die as soon as tomorrow, and he felt like he had just become real. A solid person instead of a flickering shadow behind a persona.

It had been five days since someone had told Peeta he was worthless, or stupid, or criticized him for something he couldn't help. No one had been pointing out his failures except to help him improve. He hadn't been dismissed or demeaned by any of the instructors in training. Katniss could be prickly but she was polite, and even Haymitch while often insulting was trying to help not hurt.

How messed up was it that he had to be drafted into a death match to be treated with some respect by the people around him. Even the careers were more polite than his mother.

At least he had gotten a chance to know Katniss. Peeta had thought about her for so long in epic terms, she had been so glowing and perfect that he couldn't even begin to think himself worthy of her. The truth was quite different. She was awkward socially, she could be thoughtless and impulsive, she had done things she regretted and considered cowardly. While he couldn't term her selfish she was definitely self centered. All in all she was as thoroughly faulted as any other human being. Katniss had been an almost mythic hero to him for so long it was stunning to see her weak and scared. Yesterday she had locked herself in her room and cried, like a teenage girl. Which she was. But it was so easy to forget when all he saw was her strength. Now he could see through that to the fear underneath. She was scared just like he was. It was comforting somehow. To know you could be scared and still be brave anyway.

He has considered himself in love with Katniss for so long, and now that seemed foolish. How could you love someone you didn't even know? But now he was starting to know her and he was more helplessly attracted than ever. He wondered if his crush could have become something real if it wasn't for the games. But that was pointless.

When Katniss appeared silently behind him he tried to express how he was feeling to her. He wanted his death to mean something. To her, to the people at home. He didn't want to let go of this feeling of being real. He was scared the games would force him back into being the fake charmer, the shadow Peeta.

Of course when he tried to express something so important he couldn't make it clear. Maybe he only had a silver tongue when he wasn't trying to express his true feelings? He could see he was just confusing her and eventually she stomped off annoyed. 

So much for solidifying an alliance. He hoped she wouldn't kill him when she saw him in the arena tomorrow.


	7. Career

Peeta had thought that taking the life of a person would feel like taking the life of an animal. When he was eight the pig his family kept had a huge litter and he was needed to bottle feed some of the piglets. And then a few months later he was called on to hold them down while their throats were slit and they bled out. 

It was as if there was this giant gaping hole in the world that moments before had been filled with the sweet loving personality of his pigs. Over time it had filled in with other things. But it had been the most painful thing he had ever felt, and he had figured that taking the life of a human was something he was prepared for. 

After all he had loved the pigs. 

He didn't even know these kids. 

He killed a boy a few moments after entering the arena.

It wasn't the same at all.

He didn't intend to do it. All he saw was the bow. He had to get it for Katniss. He knew she wouldn't accept an alliance with him without the power it gave her. He knew she couldn't win without it. As soon as the timer went off he ran toward it. He didn't expect to be tackled from behind by the boy from the next platform.

Luckily for Peeta a surprise attack from behind was not unfamiliar. His brothers, particularly Tomas the middle one, did it often. They told him it was good practice for wrestling. He had yet to participate in a wrestling match that began by being jumped from behind. He was pretty sure his brothers were just jerks. But it saved his life in that moment.

He reacted just like he always did, twisting in the hold and flipping the attacker onto his back, but with one difference. When he hit the ground he felt an object beneath him. A knife. Without a second thought he grabbed it up and slit the throat of his assailant. Just like a pig. 

The act of cutting was just the same. It was after that was different. 

He watched the life fade out of the boy and the hole left in the world gaped infinitely, as if it could never be filled again.

He stopped too long. When he looked again the bow was gone. And then the careers were on him. Surprisingly the boy he had killed was one of them. From district Four. Peeta had expected more skill from a career. But maybe the boy had just underestimated Peeta? 

Oddly enough the careers paused when they saw Peeta had killed one of their own. They seemed more impressed than vengeful. Clearly they felt no particular ties of friendship amongst them. But it was enough for him to work his charm, and with a mixture of bravado and grovelling (not an easy thing to pull off!) he was in. Peeta was part of the career pack. 

He told himself that as soon as he could get that bow off Glimmer's back he was gone. 

The yawning empty space remained and soon he was forced to add to it. At least this time he wasn't the instigator. He just stood by while the others attacked. Was that worse? He still had to be the one to go back and deliver the death blow, because apparently careers couldn't even be trusted to kill someone properly. Peeta was rapidly loosing respect for the supposedly impressive training they received.

Of course that was when he felt the familiar prickle on the back of his neck. The one the that told him Katniss was staring at him. She had to be in the trees. He didn't look up, sure that someone would follow his gaze and see her. She probably hated him right now. He certainly deserved it. He was a killer, a murderer. Peeta packaged the emotions up and put them in the back of his head. He could feel later. He needed to help Katniss now. He couldn't think of a single thing to do for her, except what he was already doing. Waiting around trying to get his hands on that bow.

The careers pressured him to talk about Katniss, but he remained evasive. At this point they all knew that information about her was all that stood between Peeta and a knife in the back. Her 11 had made her fascinating and confused the natural order of things. Their attempts to question him on the sly were laughably transparent. He was starting to think that growing up Mellark was just as good training for the area as spending years in a career academy. While they had focused on weapons and combat Peeta had recieved a more well rounded education that included not only how to fight and kill, but also how to lie and manipulate.

So he led them along, giving them just enough to make them think they were getting somewhere and not kill him in frustration. It was a delicate game, but Peeta was winning. Until Katniss got treed.

Peeta was eleven years old again, watching her die and unable to do a single thing to save her.

In the end, after a sleepless night of waiting for the others to drop their guard Peeta fell asleep just before dawn, and Katniss saved herself.

When Cato cut him he knew this was the end. At least he had helped Katniss a little. At least he wasn't going to die with her hating him.

He crawled away and used his last bit of energy to camouflage himself. Peeta lay in the mud and waited for the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided, after a lot of thought to name Peeta's brothers. I know everyone goes with the bread names, but to me Peeta has always just been a variation of Peter, so I decided to choose traditional names for his brothers too.  
> I decided to have Peeta make a kill at the beginning because there had to be a reason why the careers said he was handy with a knife.  
> Let me know what you think.


	8. Cave

Katniss is a terrible kisser. 

Peeta is feverish and in pain and probably dying, but his brain can't let go of the thought, and in spite of the situation it seems to be making him happy.

Katniss' clumsy kisses keep coming and finally he can piece together the bits of ideas floating around in his brain. Katniss is a terrible kisser because she has never done this before. He shouldn't be so glad about it. They are both probably going to die here, shouldn't he want her to have enjoyed more of life? But can't help it, he wants to be special to her, to be remembered as her first kiss. Unfortunately he is too sick to really kiss her back.

He knows he was selfish to let the situation come to this. He isn't helping her, he's holding her back. And without some very expensive sponsor medicine he won't be getting better. When he sees the red streaks crawling up his thigh he knows for sure. He will die within the next few days. If Haymitch had the money for the medicine he would have sent it already. He fears for Katniss. They could both die here because she won't give up.

He's seen her like this before, her fierce protectiveness has been engaged and he knows it's not really about him, she just can't let him die on her watch. He would leave except he can't even crawl outside the cave to empty his bladder. He had to swallow his pride and ask Katniss to give him the soup tin to pee in. 

Peeta is worried when she tells him he will just have to outlast the others. He is worried because sooner or later she will take that thought to the natural conclusion and decide she needs to go out and shoot them all down to save him. So he does his best to distract her and keep the conversation on something other than his own impending death.

When the announcement for the feast comes he gets a brief burst of adrenaline and crawls to grab her shoulder. As if in his state he can physically restrain her. They argue and he begs, tries to blackmail her, tries everything. 

When she asks, with tears shimmering in her eyes, if she is just supposed to sit and watch him die he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't she understand that being here with her is so much better than death alone buried in the mud? That by just caring she has given him so much? That he truly understands and forgives her being unable to save him?

But he also remembers that day in the rain. How she had given up when she had no way to save her sister from starvation. Will she be the same when his end is close? What will his death do to her? But how can he let her go to her own certain death for the chance to save him?

When she gives in, just demanding he eat and drink he doesn't really believe her. But he is feeling weaker by the minute. He obediently eats everything she puts in front of him. The berries taste odd though. Familiar some how. 

As he slips into a drugged sleep all he can think is that if she dies for him he will never forgive her. Not that he'll have long to carry the grudge.

When he wakes he feels a lot better. The fever is gone and the pain in his leg has almost disappeared too. He can't help the smile that bursts onto his face. She did it. She got the medicine. 

Peeta had almost convinced himself that he was okay with dying as long as she lived. The bubble of hope that rises up inside him belies that. He doesn't want to die. He wants to go home with Katniss and kiss her every day for the rest of his life.

The bubble of hope bursts when he rolls over and sees her in a pool of blood. He frantically grabs at her until he feels a pulse, feels her skin still warm under his hands. How long has she been lying there bleeding while he smiled at the ceiling? 

Taking care of her keeps him busy for a while. He is still very weak from the combination of infection and starvation, so getting her bandaged and warm is exhausting, particularly when it starts to rain and water starts dripping through the rocks. 

He tidies the supplies and suddenly ravenous gobbles down some food before he starts to feel guilty. Then he sorts through everything again. He can only stay busy for so long. 

The temperature has plummeted and he needs to get in with Katniss to stay warm. 

When his body is still his brain goes into overdrive. When Katniss wakes up (he doesn't allow himself to think if) it's going to be a new game. He knows the rule change is for them, and they have to give the audience what they want if they want to survive. He forces himself to review his interactions with Katniss over the last few days. Peeta is usually good at reading people and discerning their motives, but it's hard. He was feverish and desperate and everything was seemed so vivid. 

He remembers Katniss kissing him a lot. But they were brief pecks and brushes. She never seemed very committed to them, even if his feverish certainty of being her first is true. He sorts through it all trying to keep his own feelings out of it. She does care about him he decides. But not like he cares for her. Maybe she can in time, but the audience needs them to be in love now.

The problem is Peeta has no idea how to lead in a relationship. He's good at being what people want from him, charming them, but he already knows Katniss hates that. But the thought of just being himself, exposing himself in this incredibly intimate situation which also happens to be on live national television is nauseating. Not to mention it could send Katniss running for the hills. But how else can they keep The Capitol's attention?

He turns it over in his head a million different ways. He wishes he could just talk to Katniss about it, but of course every word they say could be broadcast. As the light changes toward dawn he finally decides he will just follow Katniss' lead. Of course. His fear of making the wrong choice has overwhelmed him into inaction, just like always.

When she wakes it's easier than he imagined. They actually talk, and when she tells him about Rue he just follows his instinct and moves to hug her, and she leans into him and accepts the comfort. He feeds her and it's her turn to be embarrassed as she pees in the tin while he politely turns his back. 

When she wakes a second time she brings up her stupid trip to the feast. Peeta can't help the anger and fear he feels as he remembers waking to her bleeding on the ground next to him. He is shocked when she stumbles though... an expression of affection? She is clearly not doing it for the cameras, is in fact wishing them away by the way she keeps glancing around. She finally stops and stares at him with big pleading eyes and he decides to just kiss her. 

As far as Peeta is concerned this should be the one that counts as their first kiss. The one where they are both lucid, healthy, and into it. Because he can't doubt the wanting they are both expressing. Katniss Everdeen wants Peeta Mallark. The thought is so overwhelming that he has to pull back and make an excuse about her head wound.

Haymitch is probably ready to strangle them by now. They keep dancing around admitting real feelings, and pulling back whenever things get intense. But these halting steps are the best that two scared damaged kids stuck in a fight to the death can offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peeta mocks Katniss for being a terrible liar so I really doubt he took their initial interactions in the cave at face value. And being a bit more introspective than Katniss, and being so good at playing people I cannot believe he didn't think about what was going on and how best to play it.
> 
> Let me know what you think. Am I keeping it canon enough or too much? Following the story too closely to make it interesting?
> 
> Oh and I am finally on tumblr as IamSeeMaree if you want to chat or just instruct me on what I'm supposed to be doing over there.


	9. Together

Peeta is surprised at how comfortable Katniss is with him physically. Of course there is the basic fact that they need to keep warm and they only have one sleeping bag, so of course they are going to crammed together. But when she snuggles closer to him in her sleep, pushing her face into his neck it's like she can't ever get close enough. 

She's doing it for the cameras, or it's just animal comfort. He tries to remember that. But it's hard. Particularly when he searches his memory and remembers her pulling back from touching anyone besides her sister. Curled together like this he can almost forget where they are and just enjoy how good and right it feels to have her head resting over his heart.

When she asks him to tell the story of how he fell for her he hesitates. The idea of exposing his feelings even further makes him uncomfortable, but being here with Katniss has made him open up so much. She already knows how he feels and she actually seems to like him when he lets her in. It freeing. He can stop worrying about rejection and just be. 

Peeta sorts through all his memories of Katniss. He's pretty sure the story of her crossing social barriers and standing up to bullies at five years old won't go over too well with the audience, so he chooses the very first time he noticed her. He response is gratifying. When she tells him he doesn't have much competition anywhere he can almost believe it. Even though the idea is ridiculous. There's always competion and he has never come first at anything.

When the parachute interrupts them just as their lips touch he wants to curse Haymitch. Sure he's hungry, but couldn't it have waited a few minutes? 

After they eat he tries to get back to that place where she was about to kiss him, but the moment is lost. Instead they cuddle together again and fall into a comfortable lighthearted conversation. Peeta's not complaining. He's never going get enough of the feel of Katniss Everdeen in his arms, and just talking, joking around with her is special in it's self. Like they're friends who hang out all the time, who trust each other enough to drop the public mask. 

Seeing Thresh's face in the sky kills the mood. He can see it is affecting Katniss. She is struggling to hold herself together so he acts like he doesn't notice. After a few moments she does the same. He still offers to take the first watch to give her a moment to herself.

In the morning Peeta wakes up feeling good for the first time in the games. His belly is full, his girl is in his arms and they are so close to getting home. He can see Katniss doesn't know what to make of his playful mood, which makes him want to tease her more.

Going hunting is less fun. Katniss is getting increasingly frustrated with him and he is sure that he is being compared, unfavorably, to Gale Hawthorne in her mind. Of course for all he knows she is comparing every interaction she has with Peeta to that guy. It's a depressing thought. So much for no competition anywhere. Finally he tells her leave and do her hunting alone. He doesn't want to. He has a terrible feeling that as soon as they separate Cato will appear to kill her. But the food from the parachute is almost gone.

He is amused when she is reluctant. She thinks she needs to stay and protect him. When Cato could snap her like a twig. Her fear for him would be insulting if it wasn't so endearing. It's even more endearing when she comes back. His heart does a funny flip into his stomach as he sees exactly how scared and angry she is. Just because she couldn't find him for a moment. Like she really does care about him. Like he's made it onto the short list of people that Katniss truly values.

When the cannon fires it frightens them both. He wants to run. Cato must be nearby. When Katniss makes him understand that it was him who killed the girl from 5 it's like a punch to the stomach. It brings his kill count to 3. He's not sure which kill is the worst. The one where he was high on adrenaline and killed without a thought, the one where he stood by and watched a person be harmed and then offered the 'mercy' of a quick death, or the one where he killed without even knowing. He can't think about it here. He can torture himself later. Right now he needs to focus and keep Katniss safe.

He shivers as he realises that the only thing that stopped him from sharing the girl from five's fate was his hazy memory from the training center about only eating berries you were certain of. He had been 95% sure they were the same ones Katniss had given him before, but he had wanted to double check with her to be sure. So Katniss has saved him again. Will she ever be able to look at him as an equal, or will he just be pathetic boy with the crush who scared off game and needs to be constantly saved?

When the game makers drain all the water from the stream they know it is time for the finale. So, like obedient little tributes they head for the lake.

They need to kill Cato to go home. They both know it. When they see him running toward them Katniss shoots without hesitation and for a split second Peeta is relieved. It's over and he didn't have to be the one to do it. But of course it can't be that simple. He's wearing armor.

Peeta does so many stupid things over the next few minutes he's pretty sure he deserves to die. When he sees the mutts coming after Cato he turns and runs, so does Katniss, and she easily outdistances him with her two good legs. Still he makes it to the cornucopia and manages to clamber onto the top. That's when he makes his first stupid move. Instead of climbing higher immediately he pauses to stare in horror and discuss them. One leaps and bites down on his leg, almost dragging them both down. He gets free, but he is now missing a chunk of calf and bleeding profusely. 

And so he makes his next stupid move. He forgets that Cato is behind them. Until he is grabbed in a choking hold. He needs Katniss to save him. Again. But she can't. He can see it in her eyes. If she kills Cato she kills Peeta too. It's choice she won't make. If she doesn't do something he'll die and then Cato will come after her.

It's all come full circle. On the train he'd imagined himself heroically sacrificing himself to save her. He doesn't feel like a hero now. He feels scared, alone and ashamed. There's nothing heroic about this situation. Time seems to be doing that weird thing where each second lasts an hour. Or maybe it's just the lack of oxygen to his brain. Whatever is happening he seems to have plenty of time to consider all the possibilities and come up with an idea. He's pretty sure it won't work. Most likely the arrow will go through Cato's hand and straight into Peeta's neck. At least then she would win.

Somehow she is able to limit her draw just the right amount and the arrow doesn't go through. That's when Peeta makes his third stupid mistake. Instead of trying to kill Cato he pushes him off the side for the mutts to deal with. He can't even do that right. He would have gone over too if Katniss hadn't lunged forward and grabbed hold of him. Even then the two of them teeter for a moment before they collapse down onto the horn. 

They hear the mutts attacking Cato and wait for the cannon. It doesn't sound. The armor. The mutts are going to have to gnaw at Cato's hands and face until he bleeds to death.

All of the fight Peeta had seems to leave his body at once and Katniss looks terrified. He looks down at his leg and almost faints. It's such a big hole and there is so much blood. And suddenly it starts to hurt. It feels like one of the wolf mutts has climbed inside his body and is tearing at him.

Katniss does what she can. All their first aid supplies are in the packs at the edge of the lake so she uses her shirt for bandages. When she twists her last arrow into the rags to make a tourniquet she looks up at him seriously. They both know what this means. Limb for life. He gives her a small nod and she does it. Hopefully the hovercrafts will get here soon enough and be able to fix him.

That seems less and less likely as the night drags on. Peeta is starting to get a very bad feeling about the situation. It's obvious that Cato has lost. That he will die. They want a good show, but there is no reason for the gamemakers to drag out the poor boy's torture this long. Unless they are hoping Peeta dies first, leaving them with one victor. Peeta wonders if there is any chance at all that he and Katniss both leave this arena alive. Maybe he should just make things easy. Loosen the tourniquet a little. Make the pain end once and for all.

One look at Katniss stops him. He face is pale and frightened and she holds on to him as if she can keep him alive through the force of her will. Peeta doesn't understand how it happened but Katniss needs him. Maybe even loves him. He's not leaving her. Not while there's still a chance.

When no announcement comes after the cannon Peeta's sense of dread increases. Katniss is still clinging to the idea that they are both going home, so he humors her and they move away from the cornucopia. He's bleeding out again. It shouldn't take too long. How much blood could he have left in him? 

"What are they waiting for?" He wonders out loud. Are they going to make him die as slowly as possible too? 

And then as Katniss picks up an arrow the announcement comes. Ah that's what they were waiting for. Katniss to arm herself. She looks so horrified that Peeta wants to take her in his arms and comfort her. But he's never going to hold her again. It's all come back to what he originally promised himself. Peeta will die so Katniss can live.

She won't do it. She won't kill him. And that's when he knows. She loves him. It is the most bittersweet moment of his life. To finally know that there is one person in the world who truly loves him, someone who has seen him cowardly and weak and broken and loves him all the more. To discover it moments before his death. It's cruel. Their emotions have just been another part of the entertainment of the games and he if his brain didn't feel like molasses he would think of some clever way to shame them. 

All he can do is try to convince Katniss to let him go. He tells her the truth, that he doesn't really matter anyway. That she is loved and important and worth so much more than he ever will be. That being with her even in this situation has been the best thing that has ever happened to him. 

He knows he's rambling. He's not going to be conscious much longer and he's scared, so scared to die. 

When Katniss pours the berries into his hand at first he thinks she is offering him a solution. A quick death that she doesn't have to deliver herself. But then she takes the rest in her own hand and he understands. They live or die together. He should feel guilty about bringing her to this point. But all he feels is loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. The epic moment with the berries from Peeta's point of view.
> 
> Please let me know what you think.


	10. Victors

The first thing Peeta notices when he wakes is that he can't move. A mutt must have him, or maybe Cato. 

"Katniss! Katniss!" Is she still alive? Has he failed her? He feels the beginnings of panic and then it all starts to drift away into nothingness. Why was he worried again?

The next time he opens his eyes he sees a man. His mind attaches the word 'doctor' to him though he's not sure why.

"Ah Mister Mellark. It's good to see you awake. Now I'm going to need your help get this right. Can't have your toe twitching when you're trying to bend your ankle can we?" Peeta gapes at him in confusion. The man gestures down Peeta's lower body and for a moment Peeta can't process what he's seeing. His leg is gone. Below the knee his leg just stops. No calf, no foot, nothing. An empty space where part of his body used to be.

The doctor is still talking but Peeta isn't listening. He doesn't know why he's so surprised. The tourniquet was on for hours. There was no way his leg could have survived that. But deep down he was sure that capitol medicine would have a way to fix it. He should have known better. 

"Katniss." he gasps suddenly. How could he have forgotten. Is she okay? The doctor stops talking and looks at him.

"Oh Miss Everdeen is perfectly fine." A look of distaste passes over the man's surgically correct features. "We're keeping her sedated for the moment. She was strangely irrational when we removed her from the arena." His condescending smile is quickly back in place. "I hope I can count on you to act more appropriately, despite your origins you are a victor now after all."

Peeta doesn't even know what to make of that so he chooses to ignore it. Katniss is safe. Alive. That's all that matters. 

In a daze he follows the doctor's directions to move his nonexistent leg and foot in different ways while the man taps at a tablet held in his hands. 

"That's enough for now. A few more sessions like this and we can fit you with your limb enhancement. Are you excited?" Excited as apposed to what? Not being able to walk? Peeta just nods dumbly.

The doctor continues blithely "I think your going to be very happy with your new leg. I'm certain that by this time next year you'll be back to get the other side done. I could have given you the matching set right now of course, but your mentor seemed to think you would want a chance to think about it first. I don't understand you district people sometimes."

Peeta stares at the toes on his remaining foot. He wiggles them. The are still pink and living. 

Fortunately the doctor doesn't seem to require any reply and leaves still shaking his head over the quaintness of district people.

Peeta looks at what is left of his leg. Where his shin bone used to be he now has an odd metallic protrusion. It's warm, or at least body temperature. Which makes sense since it now seems to be part of his body. He knows he should be glad. He got out of the arena alive. With Katniss. He's getting a new leg that is apparently better than what he was born with. But his leg is gone. He shouldn't be crying. He's a victor now. He just survived the arena. He survived and 22 other kids didn't. He shouldn't be crying like a child. 

He wants Katniss. Or Haymitch, or Portia, or even Effie. Just... someone who cares. Why is he all alone? Maybe they don't want him now that he's a cripple. If he was worthless before what is he now? Negative worth?

Peeta curls into himself and cries himself to sleep.

 

His new leg is fitted a few days later. His preps arrive almost immediately after to help him dress. They are so excited to be finally allowed in to see him. Are they all being kept away? He doesn't get a chance to think about it. As soon as he is ready he is helped into a wheelchair and rolled out into the hall to come face to face with Haymitch, Effie and Portia. 

Peeta staggers to his feet and struggles to get his leg to cooperate. It doesn't. He had managed a few shaky steps earlier but now it doesn't seem to be responding. Haymitch catches him as he falls and pulls him into a tight hug. And then Effie is crying and Portia is hugging him and and saying something about a stylish cane.

They still care. Peeta feels tears welling up again, and forces them back. He's done crying.

"Katniss?" Haymitch smiles and pats him on the shoulder. 

"She's fine. Been asking about you. They just want the big reunion live on national television." 

Does she really still want anything to do with me now I'm crippled? Peeta wants to ask. But he can't quite get the words out. He'd rather not know, and just hold the memory of her caring about him for just a little longer.

In the arena he was so sure she loved him. But the memories of her looks and touches and kisses now feel like they happened to someone else. He can't quite believe that Katniss Everdeen really wants him. But he can't let go of the possibility. In a way he doesn't ever want to see her again. That way he won't have to see the look of disgust in her eyes when she realises that he is no longer whole.

Of course he does see her again. In front of a live audience no less. 

She leaps into his arms so enthusiastically that she almost knocks him down. The 'enhanced limb' does not necessarily function as advertised. But Peeta doesn't care. At that moment all he can think of is the feel of her in his arms, the wonder that she isn't rejecting him. She's wrapping herself around him like she never wants to let go again. He totally agrees. 

The recap is awful. Living through it was more than enough, he doesn't want to watch it. But there are moments. When Katniss forgets herself and yells out his name. And seeing her screaming and crying for him at the end makes his stomach twist oddly. 

Katniss holds his hand with a death grip throughout the Victory Banquet. Not that he minds. Being separated from her is not something Peeta wants to think about. People are looking at and touching them with such avarice that he's afraid.

But once they return to the apartment in the training center they are separated. Not being able to see Katniss and reassure himself that she's okay makes Peeta nervous. He thinks about trying to slip into her room, but eventually decides against it. If she wants him she will come to him. She doesn't come. He tries not to read anything into it.

It is in the interview the next day when Katniss finds out about his leg. He sees that look in her eyes as when she pulls up the leg of his pants and sees for the first time the ugly polymer cover of his "enhanced limb". But it's not disgust he sees in her eyes, it's guilt. Any doubt is gone when she curls her body into his and hides his face in his shirt, like he's the one thing that comforts her. When she holds him like that he thinks that maybe everything will be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think of the limb enhancement? It just seemed to me that the capitol culture would view loosing a limb and getting a prosthetic as an improvement. Perhaps the doctor hopes that Peeta will spark a trend for people cutting off their perfectly healthy limbs to enhance their bodies?
> 
> And yes Peeta is still insecure about his relationship with Katniss. I just can't see it any other way.


	11. Home

Every mile takes them closer to home. Peeta should be excited to go home. He is a little awed. He certainly never imagined himself making the return trip. At the best he hoped it was Katniss coming back, but here they are. Both of them coming home. He should be proud. He's a victor now, bringing food to his starving district. But all he can think of is what he has to go back to.

A mother who valued him so little she hoped Katniss would win. The father that stared in silence for the last few minutes they might ever have had together. The brothers who hugged him and halfheartedly wished him luck, but probably forgot him in the time it took to walk back to the bakery. Or perhaps the friends who by now understand that the boy they knew never existed.

He has nothing and no one waiting for him back in 12. Everything he has to look forward to is sitting right beside him. 

She has so much waiting for her. Her sister that she loves enough to die for, and who loves her the same back. The boy who looked like his heart had been torn out when she volunteered. The woods that are a better home to her than any new victors village house can ever be. Her friends at the Hob, that helped and protected her as she struggled to feed her family.

She has so much to go back to and he has so little. Peeta wonders what will be left to hold between them. He's worried that he'll get shuffled aside once she settles back into her life. Most of her friends won't want anything to do with him. Katniss might not seem to pay too much attention to the merchant/seam divide, but other people certainly did. Gale Hawthorne for instance. His hatred for merchants was no secret. Peeta is sure that a particular hatred will be directed toward him. It will be easier for her to keep him away from the most important people in her life.

That won't happen. They love each other. She's here with him, leaning against his side, letting him curve his arm around her shoulders. There are no cameras on them. She wouldn't be doing that if she didn't love him. Katniss doesn't let just anyone touch her. 

They'll figure out the rest. Surely people who are willing to die for each other can make some changes to be able to live with each other. 

When the train stops and Katniss suggests getting out to stretch their legs Peeta agrees, even though his leg is throbbing. He's only had the new limb for a few days, and he was warned of some discomfort while his body adjusts.

The pain as he drops from the high step onto the blue stone of the rail bed makes his vision swim and he staggers almost collapsing. Katniss seems to think he's just unstable on his new leg and grabs his hand. 

After a moment the pain recedes enough to walk slowly down the track. When he sees a patch of flowers he stops and picks some. Instead of the heady floral scents that they had been repeatedly drenched with in the Capitol these flowers smell of onion. The smell is so unexpected that it makes him smile. He offers them to Katniss hoping to see a similar smile on her face, but she makes an odd grimace and turns away from him. She won't tell him whats wrong. 

Haymitch's interruption is almost welcome in the awkward silence. Until Peeta starts to understand. That she doesn't really love him. That it was all for the games.

"Not all of it," she says refusing to meet his eyes. Which means what exactly? 

She doesn't know. 

She's confused. 

That one he understands. He's heard girls say it enough times to other guys at school. It means "I want to break up with you but I want let you down gently."

The pain in his leg seems to swell until it consumes his whole body and he feels his stomach turn over. 

Leaning over the toilet retching and crying he is glad he made it back to his room and didn't shame himself completely. 

When it's over he drinks water at the basin and staggers over to his bed. He feels empty, numb. Like he vomited out all his emotions with the contents of his stomach. All he wants to do is sleep. But his leg is hurting even more after spending half an hour kneeling on cold tile floor. Then he remembers the powerful pain killers they handed him as he left the hospital. 

Careful they said. Only take one. And only at night. It'll knock you out. 

Perfect.

 

He wants to think she had gained some sort of perverse pleasure out of getting him to fall more in love with her and then ripping his heart out. Then he could hate her and maybe eventually get over her. But she looks anguished. She stares at him with pleading eyes. 

He can't let it affect him. He can't let himself feel. He knows all it will take is one little crack. He will be sobbing and pleading. Begging her for what? To love him? His mother has taught him that you can't make anyone love you. An outburst like that will only drive her further away. 

So he does what he can. He puts the mask back on and prepares to meet their adoring friends and family. He may be mostly worthless, but he is good at one thing. Lying. He knows she hates it but it's the only thing he has left to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. The end of The Hunger Games. I do plan on continuing this with Catching Fire, but first I want to spend a bit of time on my other fic Work In Progress which is foundering a bit.
> 
> As always please let me know what you think, and know that I don't have a problem with critical reviews. I can't improve if I never know what I'm doing wrong!
> 
> If you want to chat you can find me on Tumblr as IamSeeMaree

**Author's Note:**

> My perspective on why Peeta is always so quick to count himself out. he always seemed so certain that he was not really worthy of love. It is obvious from the books that Katniss was pretty damaged from her childhood experiences, but somehow I think that Peeta's scars are worse, he's just better at hiding it.  
> This is my first attempt at fan fiction, my talents tend more toward the editing of others work than creating my own. But this idea has been tickling my brain for a while and I needed to express it. I appreciate all constructive criticism.


End file.
